May 25 2010
The Lost Series Finale: Yeah, you have been dicked with for the past six years
You know how people would watch Lost every week and then talk about the hidden symbolism in each episode, and hypothesize on what was going to happen next week. Yeah, well those people are assholes, and you are too if you wasted six years watching this series.
The Lost series finale was last night, and the only mystery that was solved is yes, the show’s writers have been stringing you along for the past six seasons. Here are some of my biggest gripes with the finale, and the series in general:
Unanswered Questions
The Lost formula is pretty clear at this point. Introduce a mystery, then partially solve that mystery with another mystery. That worked pretty well for the series, until it was time to wrap things up. What the finale proved is many of the plotlines between the finale and like episode 7 were really just filler.
The Others, the Dharma folks, Rousseau…they were all just ways to extend the show into another season, and add new characters to replace characters that got too many DUIs in HI. None of these things really came into play in the finale, nor did they have any purpose that contributed to the big revelations in the final season.
The Island itself
Is it just me, or was the purpose of the island never really explained? I mean, yes, I get that the island was the cork to keep out the evil, but why? I mean, at least pull a Stargate and tell me that aliens came here ages ago and stuck the island in the middle of a couple of dimensions in order to keep out the smoke monster. Something. As is, we’re really just supposed to accept that this island is there to cork out the evil. That seems like lazy writing to me.
Rules
The island had a lot of rules. Like, you couldn’t hurt bad Locke, unless you pulled the rock out of the light hole. Jacob’s evil brother couldn’t kill him, unless a dead body in a plane crashed on the island.
Why were these rules there? No explanation. Again, lazy writing. I would estimate that 75% of the plots in Lost in some way involved a random rule that was not explained at all.
If I was Jacob, I would just make a rule that all the girls on the island have to blow me. Step right up Kate. Claire, you too…I don’t mind the belly. Woah, not so fast Rose, I just read the fine print and this rule doesn’t apply to you.
I mean, I appreciate the imagination of the writers, but really it seems like all of these rules were just constructed to force in new plotlines. That’s why there were so few answers in the finale – there wasn’t any rhyme or reason to the rules to begin with.
No one explains anything. Ever.
Have you ever noticed that most of the characters on Lost spend their time working on random tasks that have no real justification. Like, one character would say we have to do such and such. The someone would ask ‘why?’. And the response would be something like, ‘I just have a feeling.’
Like, why can’t Jacob just explain to Jack that he has to get Desmond to pull the rock out of the hole, and that will make Locke vulnerable to attack, so you have to kill him quickly. Then, you cool – have a nice life.
Instead, Jacob has a random rule where he can only exists as long as some fire burns, and apparently no one can add wood to the fire, so you only have a few minutes. And in that limited time, he doesn’t really try to explain anything. He’s just like, someone has to take over the Island and protect the light hole. Do you have a cup?
Well, sure, if you put it that way, let me volunteer.
Really? People get paid to write that? Didn’t these writers go to Harvard or something?
Why are these people on the fucking island to begin with?
So, Jacob has been planning to bring the Lost cast to the island for some time, even going as far as to interact with the main characters when they were young. But why? Was he just bored? Did he want to go off and do other things?
It’s not like the Lost crew were better equipped to protect the island. In fact, the only reason Jacob was killed was because he brought all these people to the island.
Why didn’t he just sit back and enjoy living in the big foot? His brother couldn’t kill him. The only way his brother could hurt him is if new people came to the island. And Jacob is the one who brought people to the island and thus endangered the whole world. How does that make sense at all?
The character’s enlightenment
From what I understand, the enlightenment of the main characters was…well…the reason the whole show happened. But here’s the problem: I don’t fucking care about these people.
A successful doctor has problems with his recently deceased father? Waaah. A Korean husband learns not to be a dick to his wife? That’s one down, five hundred million to go. An aging rock star learns that heroin is bad? I think we could make a better series from that plot.
I mean really, would this show have lasted a season if it was pitched as ‘people stranded on a remote island find themselves.’ No fucking way!
The Finale
All of these points lead up to the finale, which was utterly disappointing. 60% of the finale was dedicated to the Lost cast meeting with each other in the sideways world and remembering the island. Yeah, I get it. Everyone remembers. That could have taken 10 minutes, instead it consumed over an hour.
The destruction of the island was ridiculous too.
Locke: I’m going to destroy the island by getting Desmond to take this rock out of the light hole.
Jack: Ok, well I’m just going to put the rock back in the hole after we have a poorly choreographed fight scene.
Really? That was the big battle that we’ve been waiting for?
And, as is typical with Lost, no one explains why this fucking island has a light hole with a rock that, once removed, will destroy the island. Am I the only one that doesn’t buy into this?
Finally, the gathering of all the Lost crew was not satisfying whatsoever. Jack’s dad claims that the time that the cast spent with each other was the most valuable time they had in their lives. So naturally they would get together in a parallel universe and attend Jack’s father’s funeral even though Jack’s dad isn’t even dead. That doesn’t make sense to you? You’re so shallow.
The final episode reminded me in many ways of one of those throw-away flash-back episodes that are just tailored to tug at your heart strings. Not only was it lazy writing, but it was a waste of time. Quite frankly, I rather the Lost writers just run text across the screen for two and a half hours that explains this ridiculous show. Just make anything up. Anything.
At the end of the day, I’m glad that Lost is finally over. As much as I bitch about the show, I probably would have continued watching indefinitely. Each week, I would have waited for the cliff hanger, then the ‘bong’ while the Lost logo rotates across the screen. I would have enjoyed Kate cycling through her five facial expressions. I would have enjoyed Jack being mostly calm and collected, but then exploding at a dramatic moment.
But thank god it’s over. After six years, I feel like I finally got off the fucking island.






