You know how people would watch Lost every week and then talk about the hidden symbolism in each episode, and hypothesize on what was going to happen next week.  Yeah, well those people are assholes, and you are too if you wasted six years watching this series.

The Lost series finale was last night, and the only mystery that was solved is yes, the show’s writers have been stringing you along for the past six seasons.  Here are some of my biggest gripes with the finale, and the series in general:

Unanswered Questions

The Lost formula is pretty clear at this point.  Introduce a mystery, then partially solve that mystery with another mystery.  That worked pretty well for the series, until it was time to wrap things up.  What the finale proved is many of the plotlines between the finale and like episode 7 were really just filler.

The Others, the Dharma folks, Rousseau…they were all just ways to extend the show into another season, and add new characters to replace characters that got too many DUIs in HI.  None of these things really came into play in the finale, nor did they have any purpose that contributed to the big revelations in the final season.

The Island itself

Is it just me, or was the purpose of the island never really explained?  I mean, yes, I get that the island was the cork to keep out the evil, but why?  I mean, at least pull a Stargate and tell me that aliens came here ages ago and stuck the island in the middle of a couple of dimensions in order to keep out the smoke monster.  Something.  As is, we’re really just supposed to accept that this island is there to cork out the evil.  That seems like lazy writing to me.

Rules

The island had a lot of rules.  Like, you couldn’t hurt bad Locke, unless you pulled the rock out of the light hole.  Jacob’s evil brother couldn’t kill him, unless a dead body in a plane crashed on the island.

Why were these rules there?  No explanation.  Again, lazy writing.  I would estimate that 75% of the plots in Lost in some way involved a random rule that was not explained at all.

If I was Jacob, I would just make a rule that all the girls on the island have to blow me.  Step right up Kate.  Claire, you too…I don’t mind the belly.  Woah, not so fast Rose, I just read the fine print and this rule doesn’t apply to you.

I mean, I appreciate the imagination of the writers, but really it seems like all of these rules were just constructed to force in new plotlines.  That’s why there were so few answers in the finale – there wasn’t any rhyme or reason to the rules to begin with.

No one explains anything.  Ever.

Have you ever noticed that most of the characters on Lost spend their time working on random tasks that have no real justification.  Like, one character would say we have to do such and such.  The someone would ask ‘why?’.  And the response would be something like, ‘I just have a feeling.’

Like, why can’t Jacob just explain to Jack that he has to get Desmond to pull the rock out of the hole, and that will make Locke vulnerable to attack, so you have to kill him quickly.  Then, you cool – have a nice life.

Instead, Jacob has a random rule where he can only exists as long as some fire burns, and apparently no one can add wood to the fire, so you only have a few minutes.  And in that limited time, he doesn’t really try to explain anything.  He’s just like, someone has to take over the Island and protect the light hole.  Do you have a cup?

Well, sure, if you put it that way, let me volunteer.

Really?  People get paid to write that?  Didn’t these writers go to Harvard or something?

Why are these people on the fucking island to begin with?

So, Jacob has been planning to bring the Lost cast to the island for some time, even going as far as to interact with the main characters when they were young.  But why?  Was he just bored?  Did he want to go off and do other things?

It’s not like the Lost crew were better equipped to protect the island.  In fact, the only reason Jacob was killed was because he brought all these people to the island.

Why didn’t he just sit back and enjoy living in the big foot?  His brother couldn’t kill him.  The only way his brother could hurt him is if new people came to the island.  And Jacob is the one who brought people to the island and thus endangered the whole world.  How does that make sense at all?

The character’s enlightenment

From what I understand, the enlightenment of the main characters was…well…the reason the whole show happened.  But here’s the problem:  I don’t fucking care about these people.

A successful doctor has problems with his recently deceased father?  Waaah.  A Korean husband learns not to be a dick to his wife?  That’s one down, five hundred million to go.  An aging rock star learns that heroin is bad?  I think we could make a better series from that plot.

I mean really, would this show have lasted a season if it was pitched as ‘people stranded on a remote island find themselves.’  No fucking way!

The Finale

All of these points lead up to the finale, which was utterly disappointing.  60% of the finale was dedicated to the Lost cast meeting with each other in the sideways world and remembering the island.  Yeah, I get it.  Everyone remembers.  That could have taken 10 minutes, instead it consumed over an hour.

The destruction of the island was ridiculous too. 

Locke:  I’m going to destroy the island by getting Desmond to take this rock out of the light hole.

Jack:  Ok, well I’m just going to put the rock back in the hole after we have a poorly choreographed fight scene.

Really?  That was the big battle that we’ve been waiting for?

And, as is typical with Lost, no one explains why this fucking island has a light hole with a rock that, once removed, will destroy the island.  Am I the only one that doesn’t buy into this?

Finally, the gathering of all the Lost crew was not satisfying whatsoever.  Jack’s dad claims that the time that the cast spent with each other was the most valuable time they had in their lives.  So naturally they would get together in a parallel universe and attend Jack’s father’s funeral even though Jack’s dad isn’t even dead.  That doesn’t make sense to you?  You’re so shallow.

The final episode reminded me in many ways of one of those throw-away flash-back episodes that are just tailored to tug at your heart strings.  Not only was it lazy writing, but it was a waste of time.  Quite frankly, I rather the Lost writers just run text across the screen for two and a half hours that explains this ridiculous show.  Just make anything up.  Anything.

At the end of the day, I’m glad that Lost is finally over.  As much as I bitch about the show, I probably would have continued watching indefinitely.  Each week, I would have waited for the cliff hanger, then the ‘bong’ while the Lost logo rotates across the screen.  I would have enjoyed Kate cycling through her five facial expressions.  I would have enjoyed Jack being mostly calm and collected, but then exploding at a dramatic moment.

But thank god it’s over.  After six years, I feel like I finally got off the fucking island.

Season 6 of Top Chef ends tonight with a 3 man finale between Bryan, Mike and Kevin.  For those who watched this season, the contestants in this finale shouldn’t come as a surprise – throughout the 13 episodes this season Bryan, Mike and Kevin have won all but one of the elimination challenges (Jennifer, who was eliminated in 4th place, won that challenge).

There will be a couple of interesting battles tonight.  The first is between Kevin and Mike.  Several times this season Mike has called out Kevin for making food that is too simple.  At one point, Mike said Kevin’s food was something he’d make in his free time – not at a restaurant.  But Kevin has won consistently.  He’s won more quickfires and ellimination challenges than Mike.  And last week, Kevin’s simplicity was praised by Judge Tom Colicchio for its hidden complexity.

The other interesting battle tonight will be between the Voltaggio brothers, Mike and Bryan.  These two have traded jabs during the year, and although they are mostly civil, it’s clear that there is a strong sibling rivalry at work here.

So who’s the favorite?

I think Kevin is the better chef here, and I want him to win.  As mentioned his dishes are simple, but you can tell that he does an incredible job of building flavor.  Kevin’s Southern background helps here, but he’s not just a one trick ribs and fried chicken pony.  Kevin has consistently won challenges and impressed judges, including chefs like Thomas Keller and Daniel Boulud.

Mike also has performed well this season.  While his arrogance is annoying, Mike is still clearly very skilled and has strong technique.  At the same time though, Mike’s focus on complexity has sometimes got him in trouble.  For example, he lost the Culinary Olympics challenge for simple errors like the doneness of lamb.

Bryan is coming off a win last week, and he impressed guest judge Michael Chiarello.  Bryan is definitely the more humble and level-headed of the Voltaggio brothers, and I think his maturity will be an asset in the finals.

If Bryan does win, he will be the first contestant to win Top Chef without winning a quickfire challenge.  Interestingly though, in the show’s first 5 seasons only one winner, Hung, also most the most quickfires during the season.

This season, Kevin has won 4 quickfires, while Mike has won 2.  Kevin has also won 5 elimination challenges, the most in Top Chef history, while Bryan has won 4, and Mike has won 3.

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I haven’t been into The Real World for years – the last interesting season to me was probably when they were in Hawaii.  But this year’s RW really intrigued me.  Instead of putting a mixed bunch of people in a random location, it put a bunch of guidos in their natural habitat, the Jersey Shore.

Guidos, if you’re not familiar, are Italians that typically have heavily molded hair, tans that are often orange, and a juice head style body.  The female counterpart to a guido is a guidette, and this year’s RW packs 8 of these kids into a house on the Jersey Shore.

The premier this week was everything I hoped for.  You have the disaster drunk, slutty girl named Nicole aka Snooki, a couple of girls that cheated on their boyfriends by the 2nd episode, Angelina and Jenni aka J-WOWW, and, well, a bunch of douchey guidos that totally fit the bill.

Now, being from Hawaii I had no idea that these people existed.  Not only that, but it’s incredible to see a whole town of these people, all of which have similar hair, tans and personalities.  It’s almost like they’re working off of the same book and come to congregate in the Jersey Shore at the same time – it’s similar to a Star Trek convention it that respect, although Star Trek has a more diverse cast of characters.

I think part of the problem with past episodes of the Real World is that you get a bunch of people that are too over the top to be believable and put them in a house.  But this year’s RW is more like going to an African safari than going to the zoo – you really do get to experience the natural habitat of these people.

The first two episodes are available online now, and they’re great.  MTV does have a few commercials, but they’re nowhere nearly as long as the commercials in the real show.

Sure, this isn’t the most intelligent show on air, but it’s entertaining, and I love it.

I’m on episode 12 of this year’s Top Chef, and so far this season hasn’t been much of a competition.  As far as I can remember, all of the elimination challenges have been won by one of three players:  the Voltaggio brothers or Kevin.  I would say of these three Kevin has been the most consistent, winning a number of Quickfires and elimination challenges, while Bryan and Mike Voltaggio have been going back and forth.

At this point, the other three chefs left, Robin, Eli and Jennifer don’t really have a chance – their skill level is clearly much lower than the other chefs.  I would say of those three, Eli is the best, but still he’s not making it into the top 3.

Robin has gone much farther than I would have imagined.  She seems lost all the time, her food is usually very poorly received, and she doesn’t work well with her peers.  I think however, Bravo may be keeping Robin in the game because she is such an irritating character.  Really, it’s not as interesting to see 6 chefs who all like each other and get along – Robin has added a ton of conflict and lets face it, that’s interesting.

Halfway through episode 12 though, it is clear that Robin will be eliminated very soon.

My guess would be that Kevin walks away with the win here.  He has been the most successful in terms of winning challenges, and he has has been able to work through the various curve balls that Top Chef threw.  Additionally, I don’t think he has ever been in the lower end of an elimination, and he hasn’t been close to being eliminated at all.  Kevin is also a very likeable character.  He’s humble, and he works well with others.

Mike Voltaggio has kind of picked up the douche tag after Mike I. was eliminated.  Mike V. is cocky, domineering and condescending.  He is talented though, so Mike has been very successful despite the negative aspects of his personality.  But in the finals, Mike will be in trouble if he gets stuck with Robin, or if he isn’t able to control his temper with other chefs.

Bryan has been laying pretty low – he does pretty well, but doesn’t win that many challenges.  He also has avoided being in the bottom of challenges for the most part.

It would be interesting to see a final of brothers with Mike and Bryan, but I think it’ll end up being Mike and Kevin, with Kevin taking the win.

I’m 4 episodes into the sixth season of Top Chef, and so far it’s one of the better seasons I’ve seen so far.  The big benefit here is of course the location – Las Vegas.  Many of the best chefs in the world have restaurants in Vegas, including Daniel Boulud, Joel Robuchon, and even Top Chef head judge Tom Colicchio.

Early on, I think the favorites are the Voltaggio brothers, with Kevin and Jennifer in the running as well.  The Voltaggios have been dominating so far, while Kevin won the quick fire with Daniel Boulud, which was impressive.

I don’t think Ron, Robin, Mike Isabella, Hector, Eli or Ashley stand a chance.  These guys seem way out of their league this season – most are just too limited in their ability to compete with the more experienced chefs.

The most annoying players so far are Mike Isabella, who pretty much defines douche, and Ashley, who defines angry lesbian.

Ashley, in particular, made a ridiculous objection to cooking for an engaged couple because gays can’t get married.  I don’t get why gays feel they have to make everything into a political forum, but this was incredibly annoying.  And of course, at the end of the day Ashley sold out and cooked for the challenge to win what, $100,000?  If you’re gonna complain and you want to make a statement, then do so.  Don’t complain, then ditch your cause in order to play a chef’s game.

Still, I’m liking how this season is turning out.  After just four episodes there have been a bunch of great competitions and great judges.  With all the other incredible restaurants in Vegas, I think this season is only gonna get better.

Oh yeah, and Padme continues to be incredibly f’ing hot.

Remember American Inventor?  It was an American Idol-style show where contestants put their inventions up against each other to win $100,000.  It was an interesting idea, but conceptually the show failed because the world of inventions are too broad, making an apples to apples winner difficult, and often frustrating to find.

Shark Tank also puts inventors on TV, but instead of competing for a single prize each year, they compete for financing from a panel of five sharks.  The sharks include founders of Internet and software companies, Daymond, who co-founded Fubu, a real estate mogul and a vendor of ‘as seen on tv’ products.

You get the good of American Inventor, because you see the steady flow of both good and bad inventions.  Plus, you get to see the negotiating process between the sharks and inventors, which is often pretty exciting.

It’s really a solid take on the inventor concept.  Check it out on ABC Tuesday nights.

If you do contract the swine flu and are bored while you live out your final days in the hospital I suggest you pick up the full Battlestar Galactica series on Blu Ray.

This box set has all four BSG seasons, plus over 13 hours of extras that include deleted scenes, insight from actors and directors and unaired extended extras…all on beautiful high def Blu Ray discs.  Hear that?  That was the sound of just a smidgen of semen escaping from the tip of my penis.

I have to say, the set looks pretty incredible.  20 discs of BSG, all in a cool box with pop-up cylons?

The set will be available on July 28, 2009, so don’t go contracting swine flu just yet.  However, this will be a good last purchase to make, because it’s not cheap – Amazon is selling it for $245 – certainly worth it…but kinda rough on the wallet.

Spoiler alert.

The series finale of BSG was last friday.  With tons of questions still remaining, the show ended in a two hour episode that tied up a lot of loose ends.

The episode starts with a classic BSG battle scene.  Adama sends BSG to the Cylon Colony in order to rescue Hera.  The humans and renegade cylons use a multi-layered attack that involves BSG crashing through the side of the Cylon Colony.

The battle scene was pretty well done.  The special effects were captivating, and although you kind of assumed that Hera would be rescued, there was still tons of suspense.

Without giving away too much, the humans win of course, and leave with Hera to a unknown destination that was chosen by Kara’s interpretation of musical notes.  The destination turns out to be a habitable planet inhabited by early humans.

The humans and renegade cylons agree to populate the new planet without their technology in order to start all over again.  They send their space ships into the sun, and go along their way.

As it turns out, the planet that they inhabited is earth 150,000 before the present day.  The show implies that Hera is mitochondrial eve.

Oh yeah, Roslin dies.  Kara turns out to be a ghost.  And the Baltar and 6 that seemed to be hallucinations turn out to be gods of some sort.

At the end of the day, it was a satisfying ending in many ways.  It was good to see the humans end up in a good place, and it was cool how the show tied things back to humans…particularly after finding the previous earth that was destroyed by nuclear war.

I didn’t really get the purpose of Kara being a ghost and just disappearing at the end.  It was almost the show ran out of time and wasn’t able to do a better job of explaining Kara away.

I’m also kind of divided with the humans destroying their technology.  I mean, that seemed kind of like a forced way to tie things into the present day.  But with that said, the humans were decimated by cylons over the past 4 seasons – so their aversion to technology is also somewhat understandable.

The implication that humans mate with early humans is a little off-putting.  I mean, these were really early humans…almost like chimpanzees.

All things considered, BSG was a great, great show.  The show really went beyond the basic sci-fi, fights in spaceships, themes.  At times, BSG was a political drama that just happened to be in space.  The show touched on religion, philosophy, while still doing a good job with basics like romance and humor.  I highly recommend this series, and I can’t wait until it comes out on Blu-Ray.

Also, look out for the BSG TV movie that is slated to come out in fall 2009, and a BSG spinoff called ‘Caprica’ that is set to premiere in early 2010.

Oh wait, did I forget to include a picture of Grace Park looking hot?  Here you go.

When I was just starting to come to grips with the emptiness left in my heart after The Wire was taken off the air.  I never thought there would be something to fill the intense void until I found Mad Men.

The screenwriting is simply genius.  The plot takes place in a Madison Ave advertising agency during the 1960s.  The characters are rich and complicated as a Shakespeare play.  In case you are not familiar with the stereotype of  a 1960s Ad man, but they are white males who tend to drink copious amounts of scotch all day long, smoke enormous amounts of cigarettes and devise slogans and campaigns to push product.  Its a work hard, play hard culture all wrapped into one workday.

I’m intensely addicted to the show.  I’ve just finished watching the first two seasons and frankly I can’t wait for the new episodes to come back on the air.   Trust me, watch a few episodes and you definitely won’t be disappointed.  This is definitely a series that people are going to be talking about for a long time. 

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You’ve probably heard about Dollhouse.  It’s one of the hotter new shows this season, and stars Eliza Dushku – the chick from Bring it On.

I just finished downloaded the first episode and it’s time to live blog:

-Episode opens with Dushku looking pretty f’ed up.  Tired, kind of worn out…not hot.  She’s talking to a woman who looks like she’s recruting Dushku.

-Dushku is a lot of things…but she’s not a great actress.  Everything’s still very bring-it-on-y.

-Motorcycle scene to establish Dushku as a tough chick.  Feels like they’re trying too hard here.

-Dushku in a short white dress dancing looks wonderful.  That scene bought the show at least half a season.

-We’re five minutes into the show and I still have no idea what the fuck is going on.

-So, Dushku left the party and hopped into a van filled with computers.  She’s getting some sort of medical treatment now.  She appears to be some sort of android?

-Dushku’s name is Echo.  Apparently they erased her memory.  It looks like some organization is using her to spy on people.  Check that – it almost appears that she is working in some sort of brothel.

-Some random kid is being kidnapped…finally the title montage.  Lots of video of Dushku looking hot.

-The kid that was kidnapped is being held for ransom.  Who knows who the kid is.

-Ok – I still don’t know what Dushku is, but she isn’t a hooker.  She appears to be some sort of robotic operative.

-Dushku doesn’t really know what she is either.  It looks like she’s going to find out soon though.  Or maybe Dushku does know what’s going on.  Really, who knows what is happening here.  It’s confusing as fuck.

-Ok, so now we’re at some police station.  Apparently the Dollhouse – Dushku’s home - is being investigated for human trafficking.  The cop who is investigating the Dollhouse has ruffled some feathers and other cops are telling him to lay off.  It appears the Dollhouse takes normal people, erases their memory, and then reprograms them for various tasks.  Dushku is one of these.

-Dushku is now taking the form of some sort of negotiator that is trying to get the kidnapped girl back.  She has been programmed to be a negotiator, apparently.  They can make Dushku into whatever they want.  They use ‘personality imprints’ to make the Dollhouse girls into whatever they want.

-So, Dushku is pushing the kidnappers around and setting her terms.

-It looks like the process of uploading things to Dushku’s head is not perfect.  She’s freaking out when she thinks of her fake past.  Very Johnny Neumonic.

-The cop is continuing to investigate the dollhouse.  Looks like this will be an ongoing plotline of the series.

-At the money drop Echo sees the kidnappers and freaks out again.  She blows it and the father of the kidnapped girl is shot.  Echo says that they weren’t going to give the girl back.  Apparently the kidnapper was the one who had previously kidnapped the negotiator personality that Echo is using.  Not only that, but the kidnapper abused the personality that Echo is using, and it’s making Echo feel pretty bad.

-Now there’s some debate over whether Echo’s memory should be erased, or if she should be allowed to continue to pursue the kidnappers.  It looks like the Dollhouse girls are available for hire, and they are operating illegally.

-Echo confronts the kidnappers and gets the girl.  She confronts the guy who previously kidnapped and abused her.  She turns the kidnappers against each other.  Another Dollhouse girl comes in and kills the rest of the kidnappers.

-The show ends with some guy looking at videos of Dushku’s past.  It looks like he killed several people to get the video.  And that’s it.

Ok – it wasn’t a horrible first episode.  Dollhouse reminds me a bit of Dark Angel and Sarah Connor Chronicles.  Dushku is not a great actress, but she is hot.  And the series is clearly focusing on her hotness to carry a large portion of the show.

The novelty here is that Dushku will likely be a new character in every show.  That will help to keep things fresh.  But you can also tell how there will be the underlying plot of the cop investigating the dollhouse and Dushku seeking out her past.

All of that is interesting, but not very unique.  I’d give it a few more episodes, but I can see the show burning out rather quickly.

So those of you House fans out there have probably noticed that Cameron has been replaced as the hot girl on the show by a new chick called ‘13’.  Well, Cameron is still on the show, but her role has been severely reduced.  And when you see 13 you know why.

She is hot.  Super hot.

Not that Cameron is bad looking…she’s just more girl-next-door looking while 13 is flat out hot.

So, in any case, 13 is played by this chick Olivia Wilde.  She’s had kind of a so-so career so far, and has played characters on The Black Donnellys and The O.C.  She was also in Turistas, but other than that she hasn’t really been in anything notable.

In House though she fits the role well…and although she’s not a great actress she plays the role of 13 more or less believably.

The one ongoing joke is that her name hasn’t been revealed – everyone refers to her as 13, which was her number while being interviewed.

The 13 character is kind of a mess – she has Huntington’s and that makes her kind of f’ed up in the head.  She’s also a lesbo, or bi.  I’m guessing bi.

In any case, Olivia has been a great addition to House and I’m glad her role in the show has increased this year.  She’s 24 and married…sadly.  But I think she is slowly creeping up the hottest chicks on TV list.

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I’ve just started watching the new season of Gossip Girl.  So far its pretty awesome, sex, drugs, gossip and intrigue.  The first season is a must see for all you teen drama fans, a la The OC, One Tree Hill, Dawson’s Creek, and  90210.  Watch a few episodes, download a torrent or two and tell me how much you love it.

Many of the characters are similar to past shows you’ve seen.  You’ll love it all.

While I spend the weekend hiding indoors from the rain.  I’ve been up on Hulu.com watching all I can eat of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.  Seriously that show is genius